THE AMAZING UNBELIEVABLE
ADVENTURES of the
SUPER TWELVE
TRIBES of
“A Comically Biblical Book of
Superheroes & Villains”
A work of real fiction written by: Jeff Wismer
Imagine
if you will a land of giants, superheroes, villains, animals that can talk,
fish that can swallow humans whole, magic tricks, spontaneous plagues from the
sky and the ground, good versus evil, and men who can fly.
We all
have our favorite fictional comic book characters. Superman, Batman, Wonder woman, the
Incredible Hulk, X-men, The Fantastic Four.
As great as they are, they were not the first superheroes created to
help the human race with problem solving.
No. Going back to the inception
of imagination and the evolution thereof (http://imjdwismer922.tripod.com/Darwins_God.htm)
we have older superheroes that influenced us and some still do till this
day.
First I
will briefly concentrate on a few ancient superheroes that were copied in order
to make the Supermen of the bible. A
background in ancient superheroes is necessary so you, the reader, will have an
idea of how or why the chief superhero of the bible, Jesus Christ, was formed
by the early church leaders (Constantine 313 A.D.).
In each
of the following cases we know that the superman has a father, who is the god
of gods. The king god if you will.
This
topic was touched upon by Brian Flemming’s movie “The God who wasn’t there”. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_God_Who_Wasn%27t_There)
According to Flemming, the divine Jesus was based
on older, mythic "savior figures" - such as Thor, Balder, Deva tat, Dionysus,
Mithras, Bacchus and Horus - and argues that these figures shared most of a set
of key characteristics with Jesus, including being born of a virgin on December
25, being killed on a cross or tree, being visited by Magi from the East,
riding donkeys into the city, being betrayed for 30 pieces of silver, etc.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jesus_Christ_in_comparative_mythology
OSIRIS
Osiris is
the old school god. I mean really old
school. Osiris predates almost any other
god in existence.
Osiris is one of the oldest gods for whom records
have been found; one of the oldest known attestations of his name is on the
Palermo Stone of around 2500 BC. He was widely worshiped until the suppression
of the Egyptian religion during the Christian era.
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Osiris)
HORUS
Horus is
the son of Osiris. Horus was the sky
god, sun god, and god of war.
Some details of the character are changed or intermixed with other
characters throughout the different dynasties and Egyptian cults and religions.
For example, when Heru (Horus) fuses with Ra the Sun God, he becomes
Ra-Horakhty.[1]
The Eye of Horus became an important Egyptian symbol of power. Horus
had a man's body and a falcon's head. Horus fought with Seth for the throne of
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Horus)
HERACLES
or HERCULES
He is the
son of Zeus. Hercules (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hercules)
was named Heracles in ancient Greek Mythology (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greek_mythology)
before the Romans inherited Greek mythology when they conquered them and
subsequently twisted the Greek mythology into something similar of their own.
Some scholars believe[47]
that behind Heracles' complicated mythology there was probably a real man,
perhaps a chieftain-vassal of the
DIONYSUS
Dionysus or Dionysos
is the god of wine, the inspirer of ritual madness and ecstasy, and a major
figure of Greek mythology, and one of the twelve Olympians.
Martin Hengel
argued that Dionysian religion and Christianity had significant parallels,
stating that "Dionysus had been at home in
The modern
scholar Barry Powell thinks that Christian notions of eating and drinking the
"flesh" and "blood" of Jesus were influenced by the cult of
Dionysus. In another parallel Powell adduces, Dionysus was distinct among Greek
gods as a deity commonly felt within individual followers. Another
example of possible influence on Christianity, Dionysus' followers, as well as
another god, Pan, are said to have had the most influence on the noncanonical
depiction of Satan as animal-like and horned.[29]
Wine was an
important manifestation of Dionysus, imagined as its creator; the creation of
wine from water figures also in Jesus's Marriage at
Peter Wick
argues that the use of wine symbolism in the Gospel of John, including the
story of the Marriage at
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dionysus)
MITHRAS
It is not
possible to state with certainty when "the mysteries of Mithras"
developed. Clauss asserts[9]
"the mysteries" were not practiced until the 1st century A.D.
Mithraism reached the apogee of its popularity around the 3rd through 4th
centuries, when it was particularly popular among the soldiers of the
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mithras)
THOR
Thor is my personal
favorite. How could you not like a
superhero with a thunderous hammer and wings on Thor’s helmet? Wow, that’s cool.
Many
writers (Saxo, Adam of Bremen, Snorre Sturlason, Ælfric of Eynsham) identified
Thor with Jupiter. The comparison can be borne: both are gods of the sky that
control thunder and lightning, are children of the mother Earth, both have a
son who is a god of physical strength (Hercules and Magni), and were at some
time considered the most powerful of the gods. The oak tree was sacred to both
gods and they had mysterious powers. Thor is to kill Jörmungandr and Jupiter,
the dragon Typhon. Tacitus identified Thor with the Greco-Roman hero-god
Hercules because of his force, aspect, weapon and his role as protector of the
world.
Parallels with varying degrees of closeness can be found in other northern
mythologies, such as Taranis (Celtic), Perkunas (Baltic), and Perun (Slavic),
connected either to thunder, to oaks or to both. Additionally parallel either
to Thor or Tyr are Finno-Ugric gods Torum, Thurms, Tere, Ilmarinen etc. - see Therapist.
So as you can see, a lot of
cool shit was going on well before, leading up to, and during the time the Old
Testament and the New Testament were being written by men with similarly great
imaginations. Of course like any other
great fictional writers, its one part imagination, one part copying something
similar that inspired you in the first place, and one part basing it on some
group of real people. Now every
fictional character mentioned above is no longer treated as a real work of
fiction, but rather as fantasy. So when
we say the only difference between agnostics or atheists and believers of the
three (3) big religions (Judaism, Xianity, and Islam) is exactly one god or
mythical superhero.
Obviously for some reason that
goes well beyond rational thought and reasonable discernment because we have
people that think the fictional stories about fictional superheroes in the
bible are more real than those found in Greek Mythology, Egyptian Mythology, or
Germanic Mythology. How can that be?
One answer could be that
perhaps these believers were never allowed to read or collect comic books as a
child, and therefore never saw the easy comparison that can be made between
superman and Jesus Christ. They never
saw the connection between Lex Luther and Satan. The never saw the connection between
fantastic four and the four gospel writers.
Incredibly they never even saw the connection between Batman and Paul. If they had been exposed to comic books and
other fictional characters surely they would have even noticed Cat Woman has
Moses’ Egyptian Temptress, Samson has HE-MAN or Wonder Woman as Mary
Magdalene...or maybe even YODA has Moses.
Therefore for all
those poor unfortunate souls, I will now bring together the power of the modern
day superheroes with that of the bible. I will even add in the superhero of the Qur’an
b/c we know you weren’t allowed to read jack shit as a child besides the Qur’an.
SUPER POWERS COMBINED
A long long long long long, really long time ago in a land far far far far
far, really far away…
Adam
Adam was made by COSMO the comic
god. Adam is given every
superpower. Therefore Adam is the
greatest of all superheroes. Adam is the
first Superman.
Eve
Eve was made by COSMO from Adam
who was made into a superman. Therefore
Eve has just as many powers as Adam does.
Therefore she is the first Superwoman.
Ah, but there is a catch. COSMO introduces a magical tree that only a comic
god can enjoy. We are then introduced to
our first comic Villain.
The talking snake, or Black Manta (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Manta),
is our first evil antithesis to our good and noble superheroes. Black Manta is a member of the Legion of Doom, or in other words Hell’s Board of
Directors. Black Manta is
victorious in luring Adam and Eve into danger and consequently Adam and Eve are
stripped of their superpowers by a very pissed off COSMO.
From now on humans are made to toil and suffer due to the
downfall of our first superheroes.
COSMO’s Leaky faucet…
NOAH
COSMO can’t get a decent
plumber in heaven, just like everyone else in
Raiders of
the lost
The first time Noah tries to
build an ark it fails because Noah hires government contractors who promise a
beautiful ark with lots of guarantees.
Instead they go way over budget, and build a trailer home with no doors
and no windows. The government
contractors are none other than CARE BEARS (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Care_Bears). They act like they care a lot about you, then
when you turn your back they’re staring at your wife in the shower, and taking
your kids into the forest.
Noah sues the Care bears and
wins back his money. After that debacle Noah’s
best friend, Optimus Prime (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Optimus_Prime),
suggest hiring his contracting firm “Auto-build”. Optimus sells Noah on the idea by giving him
a sales pitch. Optimus hands Noah his
card that states 9 out of 10 sentient beings trust Bot-built boats. So Noah gives the contract to Optimus and the
boat gets built in 10 minutes.
The TITANIC
Noah decides to name his new
boat the Titanic, or the unsinkable ship.
Luckily for the maiden voyage of the Titanic Noah discovers Leonard Di
CRAPeo hiding as a stow away and shoots him dead. Noah decides to lure the animals aboard his
new unsinkable ship by singing and dancing all the animals, birds, and reptiles
of every species. Therefore Noah becomes
the Pied Piper (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Pied_Piper_of_Hamelin).
The LOVE BOAT
Noah is tested after the flood
is over. The evil drunkard pirate Captain
Stubing (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Love_Boat)
crews the boat with HOT WOMEN. Noah
gives into temptation and fathers a group of mutant children. They are named after animals and given the
surname of BRADY. Hence the evil tribe
of BRADY is born (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Brady_Bunch).
Mutanty on
the Bounty
The Brady Bunch Mutants take
over the ark and throw Noah in the brig along with Davey Jones and Orlando
Bloom’s Masculinity. Noah is relieved to
see the Black Pearl sailing to rescue him from jail. Captain Jack Sparrow http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Sparrow)
catapults himself on board the ark and kills the Brady mutants thus freeing
Noah from jail. All seems fine until
Noah finds out from Jack that one day Steve Carell will play him in a really
awful movie that makes people physically ill (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evan_Almighty). Noah watches the movie and after the credits
role he spontaneously combusts like the drummer from Spinal Tap.
A NEW HOPE!
ABRAHAM
COSMO makes a promise to
Abraham that from his flock (The Super Twelve Tribes of Judeo Scripto-Magic
Land) a new superhero will one day be born.
That news makes Abraham jolly, and he laughed like his bowl was full of
jelly. Abraham becomes SANTA CLAUS (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Santa_Claus).
ISAAC
Abraham was a virile 100 yr old
goat and was still getting it on with his wife Sarah Jessica Parker (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sarah_Jessica_Parker). They met while on the set of the Sex and the
city movie. Sarah was only slightly
younger than the 100 yr old Abraham when she conceived ISAAC Hayes (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Isaac_Hayes). Isaac is the father of soul music, and is mentioned
heavily throughout the Qur’an.
COSMO’s
Record label
One day Isaac Hayes decides
that he doesn’t like the COSMO’s Soul Glow record label. Isaac signs with Hellcat Records and so COSMO
instructs Abraham to hire Suge Knight (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suge_Knight)
to put a cap in his ass. Suge Knight’s
reputation of killing famous hip/hop and rap artists preceded him. Luckily for Isaac Hayes COSMO decided to call
off the hit after he saw House Party 1, 2, and 3 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/House_Party_(film)
) and instead sent Suge Knight to put a cap in Kid N’ Play’s collective asses.
Hope has been restored throughout
We can see the light at the end of the long dark
tunnel. Life is like a series of short
intermittent dark tunnels that change us.
We emerge into long stretches of daylight which reveals the changes that
we made in the dark. A butterfly has a
similar story with its caterpillar, cocoon and mature adult stages.
The EMPIRE
STRIKES BACK…
The next superhero of our story comes from an unlikely
source.
Moses
This adventure leads us to the
Egyptian Empire. Moses is born into
slavery but is freed from bondage when one of the sisters of Pharaoh rescues
Moses from the river. Moses becomes an
Egyptian prince and falls in love with an Egyptian Princess. Moses then discovers the truth about his true
background as a slave and seeks out his true mother and father.
Egyptian Temptress
Moses is constantly being
lured away from slavery by a beautiful, seductive, and cunning female. Since she is an Egyptian princess and
Egyptians worshipped the cat, she becomes CAT WOMAN (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catwoman). The Pharaoh learns of this love affair and
decides to cast Moses out of
DUNES
While out in the desert Moses
meets the FREMEN (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fremen)
and they teach him how to mine for spice, the life blood of the universe.
Moses also learns how to do
magic tricks using a piece of wood. Therefore
in his early years Moses becomes HARRY POTTER (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harry_Potter).
David
Letterman’s Top 10 Egyptian Plagues
Using a staff made of wood,
Moses brings 10 plagues spontaneously upon
10. Paris Hilton does a
ventriloquist show
9. Nicole Richie stars in an
opera
8. American Idol is on every
channel
7. Brittany Spears becomes
Chief of Police
6. Kevin Federline is allowed
to reproduce again
5. Roseanne Barr is designated
permanent anthem singer
4. Playboys have been replaced
with Gary Coleman calendars
3. Dick Cheney becomes a gay
man
2. Sex is outlawed
1. Chocolate is outlawed
Riddle me this Mr. Pharaoh
Mr. Pharaoh has got a big
mouth, and talks a lot of trash to Moses.
Mr. Pharaoh is always saying “So shall it be written, so shall it be
done” like some kind of silly riddle.
Therefore the Pharaoh becomes the RIDDLER (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Riddler).
Of course the 10 plagues
become too much even for a sterilized unic to handle and Mr. Pharaoh allows
Moses to take the slaves out of the Egyptian Empire.
Moses leads
his people out of slavery, and then bestows laws upon them directly from COSMO
received on top of
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.
Everyone
notices some changes to Moses after coming back down the top of
Therefore when Moses gets older he becomes YODA (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yoda). Help them he can YES, mmmm.
Michael Jordan
Moses notices something the people have made while
he was on the top of
TrippN Man
Good triumphs over evil once
again and Moses successfully leads the super twelve tribes on many crazy
adventures thru the desert for 40 years.
Based on the stories you could say that a lot of drugs were being consumed
on that long strange trip. At one point
they see water flowing from rock, and at the next they see bread falling from
the sky. Moses only exasperates the
problem by confusing the people by trying to explain how “the force” works.
HE MAN…
The next adventure brings in a ladies man…
SAMSON
He rescues damsels in distress
from roaring lions, and keeps SKELETOR (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skeletor)
in his castle. Clearly Samson and his
strong Protein PRO-V hair is HE-MAN (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/He-Man). The most powerful man in the universe!
He is the alter ego
of Prince
Adam and also the twin brother of She-Ra. The
character's name comes from the word he-man, which was once used to
describe a strong, masculine and virile male. He-Man and his friends defend Eternia and the
secrets of Castle Grayskull from the evil forces of Skeletor.
BAD
HAIR DAY
Unfortunately for SAMSON there
weren’t any good Hair Technicians or Stylists before Fashion Malls were
invented. Therefore Samson got lured
into a steamy bodega named “Delilah does Hair”.
Delilah is a Hot Vixen but has really bad hair. Therefore Delilah is known as “The BANGLES” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Bangles). SAMSON loses his hair, his power, his battle
cat, and his virginity.
Inconceivable…
JONAH
After a fairly lucrative
career as a member of the star trio of the barbershop quartet known as the JONAS
BROTHERS (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jonas_Brothers),
Jonah is out of work and bored.
TEAR DOWN
THAT SEA WALL
Jonah finds a job posting in
the want adds that interests him. Jonah
found it listed under “COSMO seeking irritating douche bag for announcing
imminent destruction of city”. Having
irritated millions of people on the radio and MTV for years, Jonah decided that
this job matched his skill set perfectly.
Jonah goes to the city of
FINS to the
LEFT - FINS to the RIGHT
After a long day of
prophesying gloom and doom to
Inside the whale Jonah started a new show called
American Idol and changed his name to Ryan Seacrest (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ryan_Seacrest).
Welcome to
Our next superhero makes a grand entrance...
KING DAVID
David is not born a King. David is discovered by one of COSMO’s wise
men and anointed a natural born leader, just like George W. Bush.
Bush said to James Robinson: 'I feel like God wants me to run for
President. I can't explain it, but I sense my country is going to need me.
Something is going to happen... I know it won't be easy on me or my family, but
God wants me to do it.'
(http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2003/nov/02/usa.religion)
THE GIANT
GOLIATH
Before David takes power he
has to slay a giant. The giant is GIGANTA (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Giganta). This villain stole powers from a Native
American, Apache Chief (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apache_Chief). So not only is she evil, she is always a
racist and a bigot.
David beats the Giant using
just a sling and a rock. Therefore in
his early years David becomes BART SIMPSON (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bart_Simpson). Bart’s head even looks like a crown already,
so it makes perfect sense.
Philistines
Once David becomes KING he has
to continually swat away Philistines.
These Philistines are annoying little pests. Therefore the Philistines become THE GREMLINS
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gremlins).
King DAVID keeps finding ways
to destroy these Gremlins, and have multiple wives, and lusts after married
women. He manages to send a man to the
front lines so he is killed so he can make his wife his own. Apparently King David has become a polygamist
jerk. Therefore David has become JOSEPH SMITH’s
Magical Underwear (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Magic%20Underwear).
AS you can see, underwear can
be very magical.
Dumb and
Dumberer
Only one of King David’s sons,
Solomon, survives a game of Mario Kart to the death. Solomon calls himself wise and makes
outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Therefore we will call King Solomon…DR. EVIL
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dr._Evil). Solomon thinks he knows it all so he builds a
temple made out of Legos. He then
invents a new ice cream special called Baby Banana Split.
The Rise of
the Clones
At the age of 180 Solomon’s
mind is quite feeble and so he decides to nominate all of Michael Jackson’s
Life Stages as the next King. Solomon’s
justification is that Michael’s Life Stages are real good with children and they
know how to build fun amusement parks (http://www.anomalies-unlimited.com/Jackson.html).
The worst fictional enemies of
the world are born out during this dark time in history. Thanks to Michael Jackson’s Evil Life Stages
we are stuck with Bizzaro Superman (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bizarro),
Ms. Judy Jetson (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Jetsons),
the JOKER (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joker_(comics)
), and Mr. Potato head (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mr._Potato_Head).
The Return of
the RABBI
Starring…
Jesus =Kid Rock (Kid to Teenager), Luke Skywalker (20’s), MEL
GIBSON as Braveheart (Crucifixion) &
Superman reborn (After
Resurrection)
God the
Father = Charlton Heston as NRA president, Rush Limbaugh
Holy
Spirit = The artist formerly known as Prince, and A bottle of Jack Daniels
Satan = Michael Jackson, Dennis
Rodman, Cobra Commander, Lex Luthor, and George W. Bush
Mohammed = Rainbow Brite, and
Milli Vanilli
John the
Baptist = Eminem and Obi-wan Kenobe
Jesus’
Disciples = X-men
Pontius
Pilate = Michael Bolton, Trojan Man Brand Condoms
Sanhedrin = American Idol
Judges: Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul, and Randy Jackson,
The Axis of Evil Doers, and The Supreme Court of the
Mother Mary = Nadya Suleman the
Octuplets Mother
Joseph = G.I. Joe
Lazarus = Kirk Cameron
Mary
Magdalene = Madonna, Wonder Woman
Gospel
Writers = The Fantastic Four
Judas = Dick Cheney dressed
up as Darth Vader
Peter= Han Solo, Peter
Griffin “Family Guy”
Paul = Batman
Mo
Several years of passed in darkness and all humans have
been surrounded by despair throughout the universe. Michael Jackson’s clones destroy everything
that isn’t kid friendly or approved by Macaulay Culkin (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Macaulay_Culkin).
Michael Jackson announces his last tour which is sure to
bring about the end of the universe (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/7925388.stm).
Michael Jackson’s Imperial Reign of Terror has been
harshest on
Michael Jackson decides one day to kill the first born of
This is the story of one such couple that
decided to flee to
I gotta bang bang the boogie to
the boogie say up jump the boogie…
Mother Mary, Joseph & little baby Jesus
G.I. Joe (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/G.I._Joe)
Nadya Suleman the Octuplets Mother (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nadya_Suleman)
Fled with their son KID ROCK (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kid_Rock)
to
They were able to buy a house in
G.I. Joe got a job shooting Americans trying to escape
into
The three of them formed a club called A.I.G. or American Idiotic
Greed.
The chief
competition of their club was a club started by Rainbow Brite (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rainbow_Brite)
called Al-Qaeda. Al-Qaeda membership
included being a virgin and flying horses into buildings.
JESUS ROCKS
Kid Rock quickly became the baddest bad ass in his
The time had come
for Kid Rock to challenge the whole city of
Kid Rock entered into the battle of the bands along with
Eminem. On the day of the competition
the artist formerly known has prince (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prince_(musician)
) was a last second entry.
The Ménage à Trois formed an unholy trinity and music
would never be the same again.
MAGICAL MYSTERY TOUR
The Unholy Trinity, or the Ménage à Trois of Music, began
a tour of the
The evil American Idol Judges of Simon Cowell, Paula
Abdul, and Randy Jackson mocked the talented trio almost as bad as they mocked
the previous contestant MICHAEL BOLTON (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Bolton). Michael is a no talent ass clown that was
probably destined to end up working at a McDonalds or herding cats.
The evil American Idol Judges also destroyed the promising
career of Milli Vanilli (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milli_Vanilli).
Our three super heroes stormed back against the Evil
American Idol judges. The artist
formerly known as Prince compared Paula Abdul’s face to an old catcher’s mitt,
Eminem paid Suge Knight to put a cap in Randy Jackson’s ass, and Kid Rock
poisoned Simon’s tea and biscuits. A
grateful nation rejoiced at the news of American Idol being permanently
canceled and the story of how it happened turned into myth, and eventually
became legendary.
The three would continue to tour around the universe for
another year. Notably they made friends
with a virgin girl from La Isla Bonita named Madonna (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madonna_(entertainer)
).
Dennis the Menace…
News of
the evil American Idol Judges demise reached the desk of Michael Jackson right
before he was to begin his last tour of universal destruction. Of course this isn’t the first time Michael
Jackson got caught with his pants down but that didn’t make Michael Jackson or
his evil clones any less shocked and furious.
The evil American idol judges were to continue to do his evil work of
the dumbing down of the Universe to make his Imperial control more
effective. The most hideous evil and
diabolical mutant Michael Jackson Clone would have to be sent to destroy the
Unholy Alliance.
I SEE SATAN FALL LIKE WHITE LIGHTNING
The Ménage à Trois of Music learned that the evil Emperor
Michael Jackson had sent his must trusted assassin after them…DENNIS RODMAN (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dennis_Rodman).
The three agree to take on new identities in order to
protect themselves from Dennis Rodman.
Kid Rock becomes Luke Skywalker (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Luke_Skywalker),
Eminem becomes Obi-wan Kenobi (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obi-Wan_Kenobi),
and the Artist formerly known as Prince becomes a bottle of Jack Daniels (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Daniel's).
Luke must learn the ways of the force if he is to follow
Obi-wan to Barack Obama’s Debt Star.
Obi-wan tells Luke
that he learned the force from MOSES, the Jedi-master who lead his people out
of the Egyptian Empire.
Obi-wan says they must go there to rescue Wonder Woman (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wonder_Woman)
who has been captured by Dennis Rodman and scheduled to be terminated.
They find a captain named Han Solo along with his MOG (half man half dog) desperate enough to fly them to
Barack Obama’s Debt Star.
They manage to rescue Wonder Woman, raise Kirk Cameron’s
career from the dead, and destroy the Debt Star with Dennis Rodman still
inside.
Once again the Universe is saved from the axis
of evil doers. Luke returns home to
The Homecoming KING…
Luke
finds out that the evil Emperor Michael Jackson and his clones were devastated
by the destruction of the Debt Star and his evil agent Dennis Rodman. Michael Jackson has issued a new mandatory
decree in
THE RAT PACK
Unbeknownst to Luke, Michael Jackson has left many evil
agents behind in
Luke must change his identity again to protect himself
from the axis of evil doers. Luke
becomes MEL GIBSON as BRAVEHEART (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Braveheart).
Mel Gibson forms a secret group called the Legion of
Superheroes (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legion_of_Super-Heroes).
Mel Gibson calls his Disciples the X-MEN (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/X-Men).
Mel also puts four of his Disciples in charge of recording
everything down about his life. He calls
these four superheroes THE FANTASIC FOUR
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fantastic_Four).
Mel’s favorite Disciples are Peter Griffin who everyone
calls THE FAMILY GUY (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_Guy)
Paul who everyone called BATMAN (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Batman).
Peter Griffin always entertained the X-men by getting
drunk and walking around in the nude.
Paul was just fucking crazy and pretended to fly by jumping off the roof
several times in a bat costume.
Mel’s least favorite
is Dick Cheney who is always dressed up like DARTH VADER (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Darth_Vader).
Revenge of the Shit…
One day while everyone was playing SUPER MARIO KART Mel Gibson was led away by a strange voice. The voice led him to a newspaper that showed
a picture of another one of Michael Jackson’s evil henchman COBRA COMMANDER (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cobra_Commander).
Cobra Commander was standing over the massacred body of
G.I. Joe, Mel Gibson’s childhood father.
At that moment a TV commercial came on showing Charlton Heston as the NRA President
saying his catch phrase “from my cold dead hands”
while holding up a rifle.
That same day Mel Gibson received some fan mail by a
stalker that went by the name of LEX
LUTHOR (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lex_Luthor)
which stated that Mel had a traitor in the X-men. Of course it was Lex Luthor who hatched the
plan to infiltrate Mel Gibson’s flock and sow seeds of distrust and betrayal.
Mel Gibson challenged Cobra Commander to a fight. Mel met Cobra Commander on the Detroit Lion’s
Football Field, famous for its 0-16 futility.
The battle raged for days upon days.
The climax of the battle came between Mel Gibson and the Cobra
Commander. Mel was readying his sword to
make the death stroke when suddenly; Dick Cheney turned into George W. Bush and
saved Cobra Commander. Lex Luthor then
appeared from nowhere and sent a love letter to Mel Gibson’s heart via FRANK
BOOTH style (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frank_Booth_(Blue_Velvet)
).
THE ENERGIZER BUNNY
It sure looks like the Axis of
Evil Doers has triumphed over good.
This is the really real world, and there ain’t no coming back. Michael Jackson made Lex Luthor King of
What Lex Luthor, Cobra Commander, George W. Bush, and
Michael Jackson didn’t know was that Mel Gibson was born part Vulcan (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vulcan_(mythology)
).
Mel Gibson anticipated that his death was near and
therefore Mind Melded with the ENERGIZER
BUNNY (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Energizer_Bunny). The Energizer Bunny was one of the only
surviving superheroes because you can’t stop the energizer bunny; it just keeps
going and going and going and going.
The Energizer Bunny becomes the Cadbury Bunny (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cadbury_Creme_Egg).
The Cadbury Bunny lays a chocolate egg and three days
later it hatches and SUPERMAN is REBORN!!!
….THE END