“A Comically Biblical Book of Superheroes & Villains”


A work of real fiction written by: Jeff Wismer


Imagine if you will a land of giants, superheroes, villains, animals that can talk, fish that can swallow humans whole, magic tricks, spontaneous plagues from the sky and the ground, good versus evil, and men who can fly.


We all have our favorite fictional comic book characters.  Superman, Batman, Wonder woman, the Incredible Hulk, X-men, The Fantastic Four.  As great as they are, they were not the first superheroes created to help the human race with problem solving.  No.  Going back to the inception of imagination and the evolution thereof ( we have older superheroes that influenced us and some still do till this day. 


First I will briefly concentrate on a few ancient superheroes that were copied in order to make the Supermen of the bible.  A background in ancient superheroes is necessary so you, the reader, will have an idea of how or why the chief superhero of the bible, Jesus Christ, was formed by the early church leaders (Constantine 313 A.D.).



In each of the following cases we know that the superman has a father, who is the god of gods.  The king god if you will. 


This topic was touched upon by Brian Flemming’s movie “The God who wasn’t there”. (

According to Flemming, the divine Jesus was based on older, mythic "savior figures" - such as Thor, Balder, Deva tat, Dionysus, Mithras, Bacchus and Horus - and argues that these figures shared most of a set of key characteristics with Jesus, including being born of a virgin on December 25, being killed on a cross or tree, being visited by Magi from the East, riding donkeys into the city, being betrayed for 30 pieces of silver, etc.





Osiris is the old school god.  I mean really old school.  Osiris predates almost any other god in existence.


Osiris is one of the oldest gods for whom records have been found; one of the oldest known attestations of his name is on the Palermo Stone of around 2500 BC. He was widely worshiped until the suppression of the Egyptian religion during the Christian era. 






Horus is the son of Osiris.  Horus was the sky god, sun god, and god of war.


Some details of the character are changed or intermixed with other characters throughout the different dynasties and Egyptian cults and religions. For example, when Heru (Horus) fuses with Ra the Sun God, he becomes Ra-Horakhty.[1]

The Eye of Horus became an important Egyptian symbol of power. Horus had a man's body and a falcon's head. Horus fought with Seth for the throne of Egypt. In this battle one of his eyes was injured and later it was healed by Hathor. This healing of the eye became a symbol of renewal. Horus united Egypt and bestowed divinity upon the pharaohs who were viewed as incarnations of Horus in life.






He is the son of Zeus.  Hercules ( was named Heracles in ancient Greek Mythology ( before the Romans inherited Greek mythology when they conquered them and subsequently twisted the Greek mythology into something similar of their own.


Some scholars believe[47] that behind Heracles' complicated mythology there was probably a real man, perhaps a chieftain-vassal of the kingdom of Argos. Some scholars suggest the story of Heracles is an allegory for the sun's yearly passage through the twelve constellations of the zodiac.[48] Others point to earlier myths from other cultures, showing the story of Heracles as a local adaptation of hero myths already well established.





Dionysus or Dionysos is the god of wine, the inspirer of ritual madness and ecstasy, and a major figure of Greek mythology, and one of the twelve Olympians.

Martin Hengel argued that Dionysian religion and Christianity had significant parallels, stating that "Dionysus had been at home in Palestine for a long time", and Judaism was influenced by Dionysian traditions.[28]

The modern scholar Barry Powell thinks that Christian notions of eating and drinking the "flesh" and "blood" of Jesus were influenced by the cult of Dionysus. In another parallel Powell adduces, Dionysus was distinct among Greek gods as a deity commonly felt within individual followers. Another example of possible influence on Christianity, Dionysus' followers, as well as another god, Pan, are said to have had the most influence on the noncanonical depiction of Satan as animal-like and horned.[29]

Wine was an important manifestation of Dionysus, imagined as its creator; the creation of wine from water figures also in Jesus's Marriage at Cana. In the 19th century, Bultmann and others compared both themes and concluded that the Dionysian theophany was transferred to Jesus. At Elis during the Thyeia, the festival of Dionysus, three pots would be placed by priests in a sealed room and the following day be found to miraculously be filled with wine.[30][31] At Andros and Teos water flowing from the spring in the temple of Dionysus changed to wine on his feast days, January 5 and 6; the Marriage at Cana is placed on 6 January in the Christian calendar.[32][33] Heinz Noetzel's Christus und Dionysos disagrees,[34] arguing Dionysus never actually did turn water into wine. Martin Hengel replied that opposing traditions would be anachronistic, and that since all Palestinians were familiar with the transformation of water to wine as a miracle, it was expected from the Messiah to perform it.

Peter Wick argues that the use of wine symbolism in the Gospel of John, including the story of the Marriage at Cana at which Jesus turns water into wine, is intended to show Jesus as superior to Dionysus.[35]






It is not possible to state with certainty when "the mysteries of Mithras" developed. Clauss asserts[9] "the mysteries" were not practiced until the 1st century A.D. Mithraism reached the apogee of its popularity around the 3rd through 4th centuries, when it was particularly popular among the soldiers of the Roman Empire. Mithraism disappeared from overt practice after the Theodosian decree of 391 banned all pagan rites, and it apparently became extinct thereafter.






Thor is my personal favorite.  How could you not like a superhero with a thunderous hammer and wings on Thor’s helmet?  Wow, that’s cool.

Many writers (Saxo, Adam of Bremen, Snorre Sturlason, Ælfric of Eynsham) identified Thor with Jupiter. The comparison can be borne: both are gods of the sky that control thunder and lightning, are children of the mother Earth, both have a son who is a god of physical strength (Hercules and Magni), and were at some time considered the most powerful of the gods. The oak tree was sacred to both gods and they had mysterious powers. Thor is to kill Jörmungandr and Jupiter, the dragon Typhon. Tacitus identified Thor with the Greco-Roman hero-god Hercules because of his force, aspect, weapon and his role as protector of the world.

Parallels with varying degrees of closeness can be found in other northern mythologies, such as Taranis (Celtic), Perkunas (Baltic), and Perun (Slavic), connected either to thunder, to oaks or to both. Additionally parallel either to Thor or Tyr are Finno-Ugric gods Torum, Thurms, Tere, Ilmarinen etc. - see Therapist.


So as you can see, a lot of cool shit was going on well before, leading up to, and during the time the Old Testament and the New Testament were being written by men with similarly great imaginations.  Of course like any other great fictional writers, its one part imagination, one part copying something similar that inspired you in the first place, and one part basing it on some group of real people.  Now every fictional character mentioned above is no longer treated as a real work of fiction, but rather as fantasy.  So when we say the only difference between agnostics or atheists and believers of the three (3) big religions (Judaism, Xianity, and Islam) is exactly one god or mythical superhero. 


Obviously for some reason that goes well beyond rational thought and reasonable discernment because we have people that think the fictional stories about fictional superheroes in the bible are more real than those found in Greek Mythology, Egyptian Mythology, or Germanic Mythology.  How can that be?


One answer could be that perhaps these believers were never allowed to read or collect comic books as a child, and therefore never saw the easy comparison that can be made between superman and Jesus Christ.  They never saw the connection between Lex Luther and Satan.  The never saw the connection between fantastic four and the four gospel writers.  Incredibly they never even saw the connection between Batman and Paul.  If they had been exposed to comic books and other fictional characters surely they would have even noticed Cat Woman has Moses’ Egyptian Temptress, Samson has HE-MAN or Wonder Woman as Mary Magdalene...or maybe even YODA has Moses. 


Therefore for all those poor unfortunate souls, I will now bring together the power of the modern day superheroes with that of the bible.   I will even add in the superhero of the Qur’an b/c we know you weren’t allowed to read jack shit as a child besides the Qur’an.





A long long long long long, really long time ago in a land far far far far far, really far away…





Adam was made by COSMO the comic god.  Adam is given every superpower.  Therefore Adam is the greatest of all superheroes.  Adam is the first Superman.




Eve was made by COSMO from Adam who was made into a superman.  Therefore Eve has just as many powers as Adam does.  Therefore she is the first Superwoman.


Ah, but there is a catch.  COSMO introduces a magical tree that only a comic god can enjoy.  We are then introduced to our first comic Villain.  


The talking snake, or Black Manta (, is our first evil antithesis to our good and noble superheroes.  Black Manta is a member of the Legion of Doom, or in other words Hell’s Board of Directors.  Black Manta is victorious in luring Adam and Eve into danger and consequently Adam and Eve are stripped of their superpowers by a very pissed off COSMO.



From now on humans are made to toil and suffer due to the downfall of our first superheroes. 


COSMO’s Leaky faucet…



COSMO can’t get a decent plumber in heaven, just like everyone else in Judeo Scripto-Magic Land.  Therefore a great flood comes upon the earth because COSMO can’t shut the water off to his leaky faucet.  Realizing this fact, Cosmo picks Noah.  Noah is a superhero that is old, fat, lazy, out of shape, and decrepit.  Noah is the town drunk.  Noah becomes Homer J. Simpson (  COSMO tasks Noah with finding two (2) of every animal and every species and to fit them into an ark no bigger than a modern day house built for a family of five (5) people.  Noah doesn’t want to die along with everyone else so he decides to comply with COSMO’s wishes. 




            Raiders of the lost Ark

The first time Noah tries to build an ark it fails because Noah hires government contractors who promise a beautiful ark with lots of guarantees.  Instead they go way over budget, and build a trailer home with no doors and no windows.  The government contractors are none other than CARE BEARS (  They act like they care a lot about you, then when you turn your back they’re staring at your wife in the shower, and taking your kids into the forest.



Noah sues the Care bears and wins back his money.  After that debacle Noah’s best friend, Optimus Prime (, suggest hiring his contracting firm “Auto-build”.  Optimus sells Noah on the idea by giving him a sales pitch.  Optimus hands Noah his card that states 9 out of 10 sentient beings trust Bot-built boats.  So Noah gives the contract to Optimus and the boat gets built in 10 minutes.





Noah decides to name his new boat the Titanic, or the unsinkable ship.  Luckily for the maiden voyage of the Titanic Noah discovers Leonard Di CRAPeo hiding as a stow away and shoots him dead.  Noah decides to lure the animals aboard his new unsinkable ship by singing and dancing all the animals, birds, and reptiles of every species.  Therefore Noah becomes the Pied Piper (



            The LOVE BOAT

Noah is tested after the flood is over.  The evil drunkard pirate Captain Stubing ( crews the boat with HOT WOMEN.  Noah gives into temptation and fathers a group of mutant children.  They are named after animals and given the surname of BRADY.  Hence the evil tribe of BRADY is born (



            Mutanty on the Bounty

The Brady Bunch Mutants take over the ark and throw Noah in the brig along with Davey Jones and Orlando Bloom’s Masculinity.  Noah is relieved to see the Black Pearl sailing to rescue him from jail.  Captain Jack Sparrow catapults himself on board the ark and kills the Brady mutants thus freeing Noah from jail.  All seems fine until Noah finds out from Jack that one day Steve Carell will play him in a really awful movie that makes people physically ill (  Noah watches the movie and after the credits role he spontaneously combusts like the drummer from Spinal Tap.







COSMO makes a promise to Abraham that from his flock (The Super Twelve Tribes of Judeo Scripto-Magic Land) a new superhero will one day be born.  That news makes Abraham jolly, and he laughed like his bowl was full of jelly.  Abraham becomes SANTA CLAUS (




Abraham was a virile 100 yr old goat and was still getting it on with his wife Sarah Jessica Parker (  They met while on the set of the Sex and the city movie.  Sarah was only slightly younger than the 100 yr old Abraham when she conceived ISAAC Hayes (  Isaac is the father of soul music, and is mentioned heavily throughout the Qur’an.



            COSMO’s Record label

One day Isaac Hayes decides that he doesn’t like the COSMO’s Soul Glow record label.  Isaac signs with Hellcat Records and so COSMO instructs Abraham to hire Suge Knight ( to put a cap in his ass.  Suge Knight’s reputation of killing famous hip/hop and rap artists preceded him.  Luckily for Isaac Hayes COSMO decided to call off the hit after he saw House Party 1, 2, and 3 ( ) and instead sent Suge Knight to put a cap in Kid N’ Play’s collective asses.




Hope has been restored throughout Judeo Scripto-Magic Land.


We can see the light at the end of the long dark tunnel.  Life is like a series of short intermittent dark tunnels that change us.  We emerge into long stretches of daylight which reveals the changes that we made in the dark.  A butterfly has a similar story with its caterpillar, cocoon and mature adult stages. 




The next superhero of our story comes from an unlikely source.



This adventure leads us to the Egyptian Empire.  Moses is born into slavery but is freed from bondage when one of the sisters of Pharaoh rescues Moses from the river.  Moses becomes an Egyptian prince and falls in love with an Egyptian Princess.  Moses then discovers the truth about his true background as a slave and seeks out his true mother and father. 


Egyptian Temptress

Moses is constantly being lured away from slavery by a beautiful, seductive, and cunning female.  Since she is an Egyptian princess and Egyptians worshipped the cat, she becomes CAT WOMAN (  The Pharaoh learns of this love affair and decides to cast Moses out of Egypt into the desert.




While out in the desert Moses meets the FREMEN ( and they teach him how to mine for spice, the life blood of the universe. 

Moses also learns how to do magic tricks using a piece of wood.  Therefore in his early years Moses becomes HARRY POTTER (



            David Letterman’s Top 10 Egyptian Plagues

Using a staff made of wood, Moses brings 10 plagues spontaneously upon Egypt.


10. Paris Hilton does a ventriloquist show

9. Nicole Richie stars in an opera

8. American Idol is on every channel

7. Brittany Spears becomes Chief of Police

6. Kevin Federline is allowed to reproduce again

5. Roseanne Barr is designated permanent anthem singer

4. Playboys have been replaced with Gary Coleman calendars

3. Dick Cheney becomes a gay man

2. Sex is outlawed

1. Chocolate is outlawed


Riddle me this Mr. Pharaoh

Mr. Pharaoh has got a big mouth, and talks a lot of trash to Moses.  Mr. Pharaoh is always saying “So shall it be written, so shall it be done” like some kind of silly riddle.  Therefore the Pharaoh becomes the RIDDLER (



Of course the 10 plagues become too much even for a sterilized unic to handle and Mr. Pharaoh allows Moses to take the slaves out of the Egyptian Empire.


Moses leads his people out of slavery, and then bestows laws upon them directly from COSMO received on top of Mount Doom along with a gold ring.



One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them


Everyone notices some changes to Moses after coming back down the top of Mount Doom.  Moses has become quite shorter, talks funny, and is green.  He also speaks backwards ever since seeing Bette Midler’s Fiery Red Bush (



Therefore when Moses gets older he becomes YODA (  Help them he can YES, mmmm.



            Michael Jordan



Moses notices something the people have made while he was on the top of Mount Doom.  It’s a golden Chicago Bull’s Championship NBA Trophy.  The people say that Michael Jordan, the greatest basketball player in the universe gave it to them.  Moses destroys the golden idol using the ring of power. 

            TrippN Man



Good triumphs over evil once again and Moses successfully leads the super twelve tribes on many crazy adventures thru the desert for 40 years.  Based on the stories you could say that a lot of drugs were being consumed on that long strange trip.  At one point they see water flowing from rock, and at the next they see bread falling from the sky.  Moses only exasperates the problem by confusing the people by trying to explain how “the force” works.




The next adventure brings in a ladies man…



He rescues damsels in distress from roaring lions, and keeps SKELETOR ( in his castle.  Clearly Samson and his strong Protein PRO-V hair is HE-MAN (  The most powerful man in the universe! 

He is the alter ego of Prince Adam and also the twin brother of She-Ra. The character's name comes from the word he-man, which was once used to describe a strong, masculine and virile male. He-Man and his friends defend Eternia and the secrets of Castle Grayskull from the evil forces of Skeletor.



                BAD HAIR DAY

Unfortunately for SAMSON there weren’t any good Hair Technicians or Stylists before Fashion Malls were invented.  Therefore Samson got lured into a steamy bodega named “Delilah does Hair”.  Delilah is a Hot Vixen but has really bad hair.  Therefore Delilah is known as “The BANGLES” (  SAMSON loses his hair, his power, his battle cat, and his virginity. 






After a fairly lucrative career as a member of the star trio of the barbershop quartet known as the JONAS BROTHERS (, Jonah is out of work and bored.




Jonah finds a job posting in the want adds that interests him.  Jonah found it listed under “COSMO seeking irritating douche bag for announcing imminent destruction of city”.  Having irritated millions of people on the radio and MTV for years, Jonah decided that this job matched his skill set perfectly.  Jonah goes to the city of New Orleans to prophesize the imminent destruction if they don’t repent their evil ways.  Take that Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell.

            FINS to the LEFT - FINS to the RIGHT

After a long day of prophesying gloom and doom to New Orleans, Jonah goes to Jimmy Buffet’s Restaurant for a drink.  Jonah was a light weight girly man who dresses up like Orlando Bloom because that’s what 10-13 year old girls like.  Jonah ended up getting a tattoo of a whale doing a bong hit, and then he shacked up with a Mexican prostitute.  COSMO is pissed off at this development so he sends Roseanne Barr ( to swallow Jonah whole.



 Inside the whale Jonah started a new show called American Idol and changed his name to Ryan Seacrest (




Welcome to Fantasy Island


Our next superhero makes a grand entrance...


            KING DAVID

David is not born a King.  David is discovered by one of COSMO’s wise men and anointed a natural born leader, just like George W. Bush.


Bush said to James Robinson: 'I feel like God wants me to run for President. I can't explain it, but I sense my country is going to need me. Something is going to happen... I know it won't be easy on me or my family, but God wants me to do it.'




Before David takes power he has to slay a giant. The giant is GIGANTA (  This villain stole powers from a Native American, Apache Chief (  So not only is she evil, she is always a racist and a bigot.



David beats the Giant using just a sling and a rock.  Therefore in his early years David becomes BART SIMPSON (  Bart’s head even looks like a crown already, so it makes perfect sense.




Once David becomes KING he has to continually swat away Philistines.  These Philistines are annoying little pests.  Therefore the Philistines become THE GREMLINS ( 



King DAVID keeps finding ways to destroy these Gremlins, and have multiple wives, and lusts after married women.  He manages to send a man to the front lines so he is killed so he can make his wife his own.  Apparently King David has become a polygamist jerk.  Therefore David has become JOSEPH SMITH’s Magical Underwear (



AS you can see, underwear can be very magical.


            Dumb and Dumberer

Only one of King David’s sons, Solomon, survives a game of Mario Kart to the death.  Solomon calls himself wise and makes outrageous claims like he invented the question mark.  Therefore we will call King Solomon…DR. EVIL (  Solomon thinks he knows it all so he builds a temple made out of Legos.  He then invents a new ice cream special called Baby Banana Split.  



            The Rise of the Clones

At the age of 180 Solomon’s mind is quite feeble and so he decides to nominate all of Michael Jackson’s Life Stages as the next King.  Solomon’s justification is that Michael’s Life Stages are real good with children and they know how to build fun amusement parks ( 



The worst fictional enemies of the world are born out during this dark time in history.  Thanks to Michael Jackson’s Evil Life Stages we are stuck with Bizzaro Superman (, Ms. Judy Jetson (, the JOKER ( ), and Mr. Potato head (



The Return of the RABBI





Jesus =Kid Rock (Kid to Teenager), Luke Skywalker (20’s), MEL GIBSON as Braveheart (Crucifixion) &

Superman reborn (After Resurrection)

God the Father = Charlton Heston as NRA president, Rush Limbaugh

Holy Spirit = The artist formerly known as Prince, and A bottle of Jack Daniels

Satan = Michael Jackson, Dennis Rodman, Cobra Commander, Lex Luthor, and George W. Bush

Mohammed = Rainbow Brite, and Milli Vanilli

John the Baptist = Eminem and Obi-wan Kenobe

Jesus’ Disciples = X-men

Pontius Pilate = Michael Bolton, Trojan Man Brand Condoms

Sanhedrin = American Idol Judges: Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul, and Randy Jackson,

The Axis of Evil Doers, and The Supreme Court of the United States

Mother Mary = Nadya Suleman the Octuplets Mother

Joseph = G.I. Joe

Lazarus = Kirk Cameron

Mary Magdalene = Madonna, Wonder Woman

Gospel Writers = The Fantastic Four

Judas = Dick Cheney dressed up as Darth Vader

Peter= Han Solo, Peter Griffin “Family Guy”

Paul = Batman


Mo Money Mo Problems…


Several years of passed in darkness and all humans have been surrounded by despair throughout the universe.  Michael Jackson’s clones destroy everything that isn’t kid friendly or approved by Macaulay Culkin ( 



Michael Jackson announces his last tour which is sure to bring about the end of the universe ( 



Michael Jackson’s Imperial Reign of Terror has been harshest on Judeo Scripto-Magic Land.  The reason given was that all the kids there look like Andy Dick ( 



Michael Jackson decides one day to kill the first born of Judeo Scripto-Magic Land or have plastic surgery done to look like him.  The people choose to have their first born killed rather than to look like Michael Jackson and his evil clones.  Many people flee with their first born child to other countries. 


This is the story of one such couple that decided to flee to Detroit, Michigan with their first born child.


I gotta bang bang the boogie to the boogie say up jump the boogie…


Mother Mary, Joseph & little baby Jesus

G.I. Joe (



Nadya Suleman the Octuplets Mother (



Fled with their son KID ROCK ( to Detroit, MI. 




They were able to buy a house in Detroit for $1 ( 



G.I. Joe got a job shooting Americans trying to escape into Canada, and Nadya stayed at home all day writing about her life on a blog.  Kid Rock got expelled from public school the first day after lighting a fart which sparked a fire in the gymnasium.  Kid Rock had two best friends: JOE DIRT ( and a guy named EARL ( 




The three of them formed a club called A.I.G. or American Idiotic Greed.



 The chief competition of their club was a club started by Rainbow Brite ( called Al-Qaeda.  Al-Qaeda membership included being a virgin and flying horses into buildings.





Kid Rock quickly became the baddest bad ass in his Detroit neighborhood and was sleeping with the neighbor’s desperate house wives like Pamela Anderson (



 The time had come for Kid Rock to challenge the whole city of Detroit.  The most formidable challenge was a Pee Wee Herman ( look alike called Eminem ( 




Kid Rock entered into the battle of the bands along with Eminem.  On the day of the competition the artist formerly known has prince ( ) was a last second entry. 



The Ménage à Trois formed an unholy trinity and music would never be the same again.



The Unholy Trinity, or the Ménage à Trois of Music, began a tour of the United States.  The first stop on the tour was on the set of American Idol ( 



The evil American Idol Judges of Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul, and Randy Jackson mocked the talented trio almost as bad as they mocked the previous contestant MICHAEL BOLTON (   Michael is a no talent ass clown that was probably destined to end up working at a McDonalds or herding cats. 



The evil American Idol Judges also destroyed the promising career of Milli Vanilli (



Our three super heroes stormed back against the Evil American Idol judges.  The artist formerly known as Prince compared Paula Abdul’s face to an old catcher’s mitt, Eminem paid Suge Knight to put a cap in Randy Jackson’s ass, and Kid Rock poisoned Simon’s tea and biscuits.  A grateful nation rejoiced at the news of American Idol being permanently canceled and the story of how it happened turned into myth, and eventually became legendary. 


The three would continue to tour around the universe for another year.  Notably they made friends with a virgin girl from La Isla Bonita named Madonna ( ). 




Dennis the Menace…

News of the evil American Idol Judges demise reached the desk of Michael Jackson right before he was to begin his last tour of universal destruction.  Of course this isn’t the first time Michael Jackson got caught with his pants down but that didn’t make Michael Jackson or his evil clones any less shocked and furious.  The evil American idol judges were to continue to do his evil work of the dumbing down of the Universe to make his Imperial control more effective.  The most hideous evil and diabolical mutant Michael Jackson Clone would have to be sent to destroy the Unholy Alliance.



The Ménage à Trois of Music learned that the evil Emperor Michael Jackson had sent his must trusted assassin after them…DENNIS RODMAN (




The three agree to take on new identities in order to protect themselves from Dennis Rodman.  Kid Rock becomes Luke Skywalker (, Eminem becomes Obi-wan Kenobi (, and the Artist formerly known as Prince becomes a bottle of Jack Daniels ('s). 


Luke must learn the ways of the force if he is to follow Obi-wan to Barack Obama’s Debt Star.



 Obi-wan tells Luke that he learned the force from MOSES, the Jedi-master who lead his people out of the Egyptian Empire. 


Obi-wan says they must go there to rescue Wonder Woman ( who has been captured by Dennis Rodman and scheduled to be terminated. 



They find a captain named Han Solo along with his MOG (half man half dog) desperate enough to fly them to Barack Obama’s Debt Star. 



They manage to rescue Wonder Woman, raise Kirk Cameron’s career from the dead, and destroy the Debt Star with Dennis Rodman still inside. 



Once again the Universe is saved from the axis of evil doers.  Luke returns home to Detroit on the back of a Jackass (George W. Bush) to thunderous applause.




The Homecoming KING…


Detroit is not the same shit hole when Luke left to go rescue Wonder Woman and destroy Barack Obama’s Debt Star. 



Luke finds out that the evil Emperor Michael Jackson and his clones were devastated by the destruction of the Debt Star and his evil agent Dennis Rodman.  Michael Jackson has issued a new mandatory decree in Detroit that condom use is forbidden.  Breaking this law is punishable by death.  Michael Jackson has left the Trojan Brand Condom Man in charge of Detroit to inflict has much suffering has humanly possible.



        THE RAT PACK

Unbeknownst to Luke, Michael Jackson has left many evil agents behind in Detroit disguised as white trash.  The leader of this band of rubble is Lindsay Lohan ( 



Luke must change his identity again to protect himself from the axis of evil doers.  Luke becomes MEL GIBSON as BRAVEHEART (



Mel Gibson forms a secret group called the Legion of Superheroes (



Mel Gibson calls his Disciples the X-MEN (



Mel also puts four of his Disciples in charge of recording everything down about his life.  He calls these four superheroes THE FANTASIC FOUR (



Mel’s favorite Disciples are Peter Griffin who everyone calls THE FAMILY GUY (



Paul who everyone called BATMAN (



Peter Griffin always entertained the X-men by getting drunk and walking around in the nude.  Paul was just fucking crazy and pretended to fly by jumping off the roof several times in a bat costume.


Mel’s least favorite is Dick Cheney who is always dressed up like DARTH VADER (




Revenge of the Shit…


One day while everyone was playing SUPER MARIO KART Mel Gibson was led away by a strange voice.  The voice led him to a newspaper that showed a picture of another one of Michael Jackson’s evil henchman COBRA COMMANDER ( 



Cobra Commander was standing over the massacred body of G.I. Joe, Mel Gibson’s childhood father. 

At that moment a TV commercial came on showing Charlton Heston as the NRA President saying his catch phrase “from my cold dead hands” while holding up a rifle. 



That same day Mel Gibson received some fan mail by a stalker that went by the name of LEX LUTHOR ( which stated that Mel had a traitor in the X-men.  Of course it was Lex Luthor who hatched the plan to infiltrate Mel Gibson’s flock and sow seeds of distrust and betrayal.


Mel Gibson challenged Cobra Commander to a fight.  Mel met Cobra Commander on the Detroit Lion’s Football Field, famous for its 0-16 futility.  The battle raged for days upon days.  The climax of the battle came between Mel Gibson and the Cobra Commander.  Mel was readying his sword to make the death stroke when suddenly; Dick Cheney turned into George W. Bush and saved Cobra Commander.  Lex Luthor then appeared from nowhere and sent a love letter to Mel Gibson’s heart via FRANK BOOTH style ( ).




It sure looks like the Axis of Evil Doers has triumphed over good.  This is the really real world, and there ain’t no coming back.  Michael Jackson made Lex Luthor King of Judeo Scripto Magic Land as his reward for killing Mel Gibson.  The universe twisted and coiled into the fetal position because fear was now the only currency left to be traded.  Almost all of the superheroes had been killed in the Battle of Detroit.  A fool’s hope is all that remains in the universe. 


What Lex Luthor, Cobra Commander, George W. Bush, and Michael Jackson didn’t know was that Mel Gibson was born part Vulcan ( ). 


Mel Gibson anticipated that his death was near and therefore Mind Melded with the ENERGIZER BUNNY (  The Energizer Bunny was one of the only surviving superheroes because you can’t stop the energizer bunny; it just keeps going and going and going and going. 



The Energizer Bunny becomes the Cadbury Bunny ( 



The Cadbury Bunny lays a chocolate egg and three days later it hatches and SUPERMAN is REBORN!!!